Monday, June 7, 2010

Hippie VS. HippieCrite

OK folks, welcome to the first showdown between the real peace lovers and the trendy tree huggers. By analyzing these images for hours on end, you’ll be able to quickly and accurately decipher an honest hippie from a hippiecrite when you encounter them in the wild…such as a Ben Harper concert or the local mall. (Trick number one: Hardcore hippies don’t shop at malls. They only buy their sandals and ponchos from free-trade, hemp-spun online companies based out of Nepal and distributed in California. Take notes.)

What is a hippiecrite, you ask? Have you ever gotten a bitchy stare from a girl wearing a peace sign T-shirt from Diesel? Did you suddenly realize the biggest douchebag at work has a Coexist bumper sticker on the back of his Land Rover? Do you know the girl at the bar who talks about eating organic produce while she downs a vodka soda? These are hippiecrites. And I am actually the last one, among many other hippiecritical activities.

In an effort to confront the dualistic nature of my personality, and indeed perhaps helps us all reckon the dichotomies within ourselves, I have some visuals to help distinguish between the two poles:

Don't let Mary Kate Olsen's laissez-faire fashion sense circa 2005 fool you -- the Starbucks coffee cup is a dead give away. No hippie has drunk or will ever drink a frappuccino, even if it is made with soy. And her oversized tote probably cost her more than 6 months of my rent. VERDICT: MK Olsen is a HippieCrite.

Now, the eccentric gentleman below is a certified hippie. That tie-dye is not some overpriced imposter but the real deal -- and it probably smells like he's worn it since 1973. His peace sign hand gesture is potent with sincerity. See the conviction in that THC-addled gaze! (And really, is the hippie's drug of choice any worse than a venti double espresso machiato extra whip with 3 Splendas?)

I can understand some confusion, because both photos sport similar wavy curls. However, it is important to note that MK's locks were most likely scrunched with salon products, while the true hippie uses his own sweat, musk and the natural elements to create this genuine look.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions or confusion about what a hippie is versus a hippicrite. Stay tuned for the 2nd edition, coming to a downtown farmer's market haggling over locally grown organic tomatoes near you.

Keep smilin' life lovers!