Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye Two-thousand and wine, hello two-thousand and zen.

Tonight I will slap on a party dress. Tonight I will deploy my arsenal of hair styling products and glitter compacts. Tonight I will chug my way through a bottle of cheapish vodka with good friends. Tonight I will attempt to look cool while dancing like a jackass. Tonight I will bum cigarettes from my best friend even though I’m resolving to quit. Tonight I will countdown to midnight, cheering even though I think time is just a construction of our conscious mind. (Ask me about this when I’m drunk, I have a lot to say on the subject.) Because somehow tonight is special, even though it’s really just another night I go out and get drunk.

But people like the idea of starting over, of getting that clean slate for all the shitty things we did over the last 12 months. So tonight let’s celebrate the notion of new beginnings, fresh starts and open minds. Cheers to possibilities.

After all, winter is classically the time of quiet reflection, the perfect opportunity for thoughtful contemplation, reevaluation and goal-setting. Sit, be still for a minute. Shut off the goddamn iPhone. Even five minutes sitting peacefully can shift your perspective. And if you really want to kick the new year off in yogic style, there will be a worldwide peace meditation at 11:11 am New Year’s Day during your local time zone. I’ll be hungover as hell, but I’ll be sitting on the floor meditating. (Most likely in the party dress from last night.) Why not attempt to be a kinder, more compassionate and self-aware person in two-thousand zen?

Two-thousand zen offers us the idea that we can be better people than we were in two-thousand wine, which gives us the solid realization that we can change.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

To Blog or Not to Blog: A Brief Dissertation of a Modern Art


The first dots of virtual ink on the blog. How glorious, the frenetic clicks of my hot pink keyboard in blood-thirsty pursuit of creative channeling. I’m at work, obviously not working, which is apparently the best time to blog.

I’ve got to be honest with you, dear reader, as you sit at your computer, crushed Doritos in your lap, tilting your head up every so often to sip your boxed wine. (You chose chardonnay? I would have, too.) I know nothing about blogging. It took me 45 minutes and the assistance of my coworker to figure out how to write my tagline subhead thing. I don’t read blogs regularly. And frankly, I don’t really see the point.



If I’m going to read something it should be bound, tangible, riveting. Not to say some blogs aren’t riveting – don’t crucify me just yet. It’s just that the retina-burning glow of the computer screen takes something away from the awe and art of reading. I can hear Hemingway echoing through the musky scent of the pages, I can run my fingers down the novel’s spine, tracing it’s eloquent kundalini, poignantly putting verbs and adjectives to our silly human emotions.

In fact, I’m not really feeling the word “blog” itself, which is probably why I avoided it like the plague for so long. Phonetically, it’s pretty absurd – I can’t say it while keeping a straight face. It reminds me of other cultural phenomena, like iPods (which I refuse to own, thankyouverymuch), Crocs (I get it, they’re comfortable…and hideous) and Starbucks (would you like your $4 500-calorie drink with a dash of cinnamon?).

Further studies into the divine mechanisms of blogging have prompted me to develop my own theories behind this bizarre art form. Could it be an acronym for some symbolic underpinnings that will surely uncork the mysteries of the universe? I decided to delve deeper:

B – Blasphemous


L – Lubrication


O – Of


G – Gray Matter


(Ok, I know I cheated with two words for G…but it’s my fucking blog for chrissake.)

So why the hell am I blogging, you ask? Good question, Wino (damn, you’re sharp for being half a box of Franzia deep). While the printed word is tangible, it’s essence is completely abstract. So what does it matter if it’s in a book or on a screen? As long as we’re ingesting those delicious, ferocious, diaphanous words to crack open our minds and cut open our hearts, we’ll be allllllllllllllllright.

My writing is for the impusive, introspective, radioactive, consciously-cool-without-bragging-about-it searchers of light and truth in the dingy, delightful ashtray of modern society. So light up your smokes and grab hold of the rollercoaster safety bar. If you loathe the media but are still a sucker for reality TV, if you despise capitalism but still lust after new shoes, if you meditate before going out to the bar…then I think we’ll get along just fine.

Thanks for reading, life lovers.